Thoughts

I've spent the past couple of months in a rut.

Feeling confused, lost, and alone. As I was talking with a friend about my struggle of connecting my heart with my head when it come to Alaska, I tried to reason why I was not transitioning as well as I had hoped I would be by now.

She said well...maybe you just don't like it.

The thing is
I don't want to not like Alaska.
But I cannot deny that it is beyond my comfort zone.
There are many times that I feel isolated because I am so used to
Being social.
I want friends that want to hang out with me.

I struggle with questioning God and why He has me here.
I wonder if I am even making a difference.
This is why I am thankful that our God
Is a patient God.

I read somewhere this week that we grow closer to God not necessarily through answers, but through the questions.

I have a lot of questions.

My professor this past summer mentioned that we should not think ourselves so significant that God cannot use our failures.
Even if I feel I may be failing,
God is still using me.
That is
...The beauty of His grace.

I heard today in chapel that prayer changes things.
I want God to change my heart about Alaska.
To teach me the beauty of being here.
To love it with my heart.

Because so often I struggle
I cry out to God in anger
Anger about why He allowed me to experience pain
At the same time of major change.
Sadness about feeling alone.
I guess pain makes us feel
...Like we are more alone than we actually are

I know that God has me here for a purpose.
And maybe He is teaching me trust
Before clarity.
Because I hope someday that He will teach me
Teach me of the work He is doing in me.

Maybe it is hard to see because I am in the midst of this difficult process.
I can't see until I come out of this enlightening tunnel.

But regardless of how I feel,
He is still God
And continues
To do a good work in me.