Run Forrest...Run

3,650 days

That is
...nearly how long I have fought for the approval of men.

I feel as though I have been running for a decade. As though I decided to become Forrest Gump and just started running from my fear.

My fear of rejection and abandonment.

I lost count of how many men I tried to earn love and approval from in this period of time. I feel as though I traveled the entire country and have reached the point like Forrest did when others asked him what he was going to do next.

I think I'm just going to go home.
I'm tired.

Home is where I don't need to fight to be loved and accepted.
Home is where I rest in the Father's love for me.
Home is where I can break from this addiction
This idol
That I can somehow find worth in the approval of men.

If I could apologize to anyone right now it would first be to Jesus
And then it would be to my heart.
I'm sorry I did not protect the one place that He dwells.
I never realized how much pain I was causing myself.
And how much pain I would have to endure to find healing at this moment.

But I do know something for certain.
I am done running.
I am sick of feeling guilt, regret, and shame.

I can't undue the past
I can't get back the time that I wasted trying to convince others to love me,
But I can use these healing scars

For His glory.

This is change.