Prayer Changes Things

Every night before we go to bed, the student body gathers together to spend time in prayer.

I was so blessed last night to see
To see the growth in the students.
To see new yearnings to grow closer to our Father.
It brought me so much joy
That I could have,
I should have cried.

I've come to the point in which I don't focus so much on answered prayers
As I do my yearning to spend time with Him.
I have never experienced this in my relationship with God before.

And in this, I become suprised when He blesses me with answered prayers.
He is answering prayers at Alaska Christian College.
He is also answering prayers by changing and molding
By healing my heart.

Prayer is like breathing
I find that I need it to get through my day.
I find that it no longer feels like an obligation.
I actually desire
I long for it.

So many things are changing.
It is hard for me to fathom that all it took
Was for me
To let go.

I smile as I watch my Father work.
He is working.
He is in a way
That is more creative
Than I could have ever imagined.

Keep watching :)

Thoughts

I've spent the past couple of months in a rut.

Feeling confused, lost, and alone. As I was talking with a friend about my struggle of connecting my heart with my head when it come to Alaska, I tried to reason why I was not transitioning as well as I had hoped I would be by now.

She said well...maybe you just don't like it.

The thing is
I don't want to not like Alaska.
But I cannot deny that it is beyond my comfort zone.
There are many times that I feel isolated because I am so used to
Being social.
I want friends that want to hang out with me.

I struggle with questioning God and why He has me here.
I wonder if I am even making a difference.
This is why I am thankful that our God
Is a patient God.

I read somewhere this week that we grow closer to God not necessarily through answers, but through the questions.

I have a lot of questions.

My professor this past summer mentioned that we should not think ourselves so significant that God cannot use our failures.
Even if I feel I may be failing,
God is still using me.
That is
...The beauty of His grace.

I heard today in chapel that prayer changes things.
I want God to change my heart about Alaska.
To teach me the beauty of being here.
To love it with my heart.

Because so often I struggle
I cry out to God in anger
Anger about why He allowed me to experience pain
At the same time of major change.
Sadness about feeling alone.
I guess pain makes us feel
...Like we are more alone than we actually are

I know that God has me here for a purpose.
And maybe He is teaching me trust
Before clarity.
Because I hope someday that He will teach me
Teach me of the work He is doing in me.

Maybe it is hard to see because I am in the midst of this difficult process.
I can't see until I come out of this enlightening tunnel.

But regardless of how I feel,
He is still God
And continues
To do a good work in me.

Kingdoms Fall

I've never been a fan of grief.

I liken grief to be like watching the intricate kingdom that I have built slowly burn to the ground.
I don't
...like watching my hopes and dreams turn to dust.

But the truth is that God burns down kingdoms for a purpose.
Perhaps, I thought my kingdoms to be greater than His.
I usually avoid watching the process.
It is just too painful for me.

But in the process of running,
This fleeing from the my kingdom in ruins,
I miss a crucial part of the story.

I miss His arms around me as each foundation turns to ashes.
I miss His words of hope in my despair.
But most of all,
I miss the part where
He clears away my broken kingdom

...And sets a place for me to find comfort
In His.

So with this being said,
I am okay with
Watching what I thought i loved
Burn to flames.

Divine Connections

I read today that we can rid ourselves of an addiction by simply starving it.

Sure, the first few days will be the most difficult to endure, yet I think there is some truth to this. This week I decided that I rely too much on connection with others. I like to believe that connection is a beautiful thing. God created it beautiful. I try to seek it in many of my relationships.

The problem comes when I cross the boundaries of others in order to feed my need for connection. Not only do I cross boundaries, but I often deny my own boundaries that are put in place to guard my heart. It is altogether unhealthy.

I love to be vulnerable
But
I cannot convince people to want to be vulnerable with me.
At least...not in a genuine way.

I don't want to manipulate my way into connection no matter how much I think I need it.
I need to seek a greater connection with God and trust that He will place those deep connections on my journey wherever He takes me.

Joyce Meyer says that we should pray for 'Divine Connections.'
After reading this, I find it to be a unique concept.
I want friendships that are connected through a passion for Christ.
Today, I took a student to coffee with me and we discussed what God was teaching us.

I had so much fun talking about our Heavenly Father.

This week I decided to give up facebook. It seems to be a common thing to do nowadays. Yet I don't like to do things without a purpose. I realized that I was so consumed with keeping up with my friends from home that it was hindering my ministry here. This social networking thing claims to connect

...Yet leaves me so disconnected.

Yet even on my first and second day away from it,
I struggled to give it up.
I rationalized that maybe if I only check it once a day.
I admit,

I failed on the first day.

...and on the second day.

I think this signifies that it is an addiction.

I am so glad that God teaches us through our failures because I find that when I try to give things up, I fail miserably. Yet through my failures, God is blessing me by continuing to teach me through them.

I need to let go of my grip, my unhealthy need to form connections and give them to Him.
I want to have the faith to be able to say,

"God, I believe that you can form some amazing Divine connections in my life."

Perhaps this trust will help me rely less on my
...addiction to facebook :)

Run Forrest...Run

3,650 days

That is
...nearly how long I have fought for the approval of men.

I feel as though I have been running for a decade. As though I decided to become Forrest Gump and just started running from my fear.

My fear of rejection and abandonment.

I lost count of how many men I tried to earn love and approval from in this period of time. I feel as though I traveled the entire country and have reached the point like Forrest did when others asked him what he was going to do next.

I think I'm just going to go home.
I'm tired.

Home is where I don't need to fight to be loved and accepted.
Home is where I rest in the Father's love for me.
Home is where I can break from this addiction
This idol
That I can somehow find worth in the approval of men.

If I could apologize to anyone right now it would first be to Jesus
And then it would be to my heart.
I'm sorry I did not protect the one place that He dwells.
I never realized how much pain I was causing myself.
And how much pain I would have to endure to find healing at this moment.

But I do know something for certain.
I am done running.
I am sick of feeling guilt, regret, and shame.

I can't undue the past
I can't get back the time that I wasted trying to convince others to love me,
But I can use these healing scars

For His glory.

This is change.