I've never had to say so many goodbyes in my life.
Granted, I have moved my fair share of times in life. I am uprooting from the area in which I have spent the most time in out of my entire life. I was, as always, dreading these goodbyes.
There is something to be said about goodbyes. I have learned to use it as an opportunity to realize how blessed I am by God. The love that I have for these people cannot even be expressed in words.
When it comes to moving, I believe that it is important to realize that it is a process of grief. I must realize what I am losing, yet at the same time, I must be appreciative of the impactful relationships. There have been many tears. Not necessarily bad tears, but ones that remind me of the joy that others have been in my life. It represents how much I love these people. When you put your whole heart into something, your heart is going to break when you leave.
Tears are a good thing.
Friends and family, I may not be able to fully verbally express how much I truly appreciate you right now, but know that I deeply love you guys and am thankful for the time spent with you. All of your support and prayers have meant the world to me.
While I may be filled with sadness at this time, I am also truly excited for this new journey that God has for me. I hope to tell you all of what God has been teaching me in ministry and through new friendships in Alaska.
May God bless you all.
Love,
Alicia Janae
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
He Speaks
I love that music can have the power to speak for us when we can't find the exact words to verbalize.
We can resonate with an artist's lyrics even if the specific experience that we went through was completely different than what had orginally inspired the musician to write these words. It is as though they, these words, have been perfectly placed to reach our hearts. This is connection.
I was told that I did not have to come back to counsel for the last week of camp because I would probably need the time to mourn the loss of a friend. His death was so sudden.
I said to assume that I was coming back unless I contacted them.
On the surface, it doesn't make a lot of sense to go a funeral for a friend and then go a to a worship concert later on the same day.
My eyes red and my heart weary, I forced myself to worship with the band Starfield after I had attended Kyle and his father's funeral with over six hundred people.
Speechless.
As a vocalist, it comes natural for me to sing.
...Unless the song touches me so much that I lose the ability to even speak.
My pastor once said that in worship, tears are a sign of God healing us. If this is true, then during that concert, I may have hardly sung.
...but I experienced His healing.
It was as if these worship songs that Starfield played that night were played just for me. They struck such a deep chord in my heart.
That I could no longer sing.
I struggled to keep singing until I finally surrendered and chose to listen to Him. As I wrestled with the decision of going back to camp, I let the musicians sing for me these truths that He wanted me to hear.
I told Him that my cup was empty. I have nothing left to give.
He told me to let Him fill it.
I said that I had no strength left to counsel these girls.
He said...In Me, you do.
I asked Him to use someone else,
But He said
...I already chose you.
Just as I let these musicians sing these words that I could not sing, I let God give me the strength that I did not have to impact these girls my last week of camp.
All because He moved this band named Starfield to write these songs that during that night
...Spoke to me.
"Here I am
As gold to the fire
I will surrender to Your hand
To this place
Lord, I have come ready for Your touch
It's all for You
It's all for You
I'm letting go
I'm letting go"
--Starfield "All for You"
We can resonate with an artist's lyrics even if the specific experience that we went through was completely different than what had orginally inspired the musician to write these words. It is as though they, these words, have been perfectly placed to reach our hearts. This is connection.
I was told that I did not have to come back to counsel for the last week of camp because I would probably need the time to mourn the loss of a friend. His death was so sudden.
I said to assume that I was coming back unless I contacted them.
On the surface, it doesn't make a lot of sense to go a funeral for a friend and then go a to a worship concert later on the same day.
My eyes red and my heart weary, I forced myself to worship with the band Starfield after I had attended Kyle and his father's funeral with over six hundred people.
Speechless.
As a vocalist, it comes natural for me to sing.
...Unless the song touches me so much that I lose the ability to even speak.
My pastor once said that in worship, tears are a sign of God healing us. If this is true, then during that concert, I may have hardly sung.
...but I experienced His healing.
It was as if these worship songs that Starfield played that night were played just for me. They struck such a deep chord in my heart.
That I could no longer sing.
I struggled to keep singing until I finally surrendered and chose to listen to Him. As I wrestled with the decision of going back to camp, I let the musicians sing for me these truths that He wanted me to hear.
I told Him that my cup was empty. I have nothing left to give.
He told me to let Him fill it.
I said that I had no strength left to counsel these girls.
He said...In Me, you do.
I asked Him to use someone else,
But He said
...I already chose you.
Just as I let these musicians sing these words that I could not sing, I let God give me the strength that I did not have to impact these girls my last week of camp.
All because He moved this band named Starfield to write these songs that during that night
...Spoke to me.
"Here I am
As gold to the fire
I will surrender to Your hand
To this place
Lord, I have come ready for Your touch
It's all for You
It's all for You
I'm letting go
I'm letting go"
--Starfield "All for You"
Thursday, August 12, 2010
The King is enthralled by your beauty
I would always sit in the balcony by myself during our tuesday night worship services at Judson simply because I did not want to distract anyone with my voice. I would always sing songs and harmonize in solitude with just God and myself. If someone sat near me, I would casually move away so that they could not hear my voice.
During one night of worship, I decided to casually move away when a man sat at the pew next to me. A couple songs into the service, I finally realized that it was the worship leader of the service that had sat next to me. What was he doing not leading worship? I didn't want him to think I didn't like his voice, so I moved closer to him.
I had suddenly become self-conscious of my voice. Was it too distracting? Was it on the right key? After a while of these questions, I finally became content with someone being able to hear my voice. My voice wasnt for him after all...it was for God.
As the worship service ended, that same man came up to me and put his hand on my shoulder. He then proceeded to tell me that I had a beautiful voice. I had thanked him, but immediately shifted the focus off of me and onto him.
Recently, I was able to write and record a song with some friends for fun. One of my best friends that has great recording skills encouraged me to listen to it with him. I had dreaded the thought of listening to my own voice, but he kept reassuring me.
I am pretty certain that I winced the entire time that I first listened to it. It was an altogether strange experience for me. Afterwards, he asked me if I realized how unique and interesting my voice was and also told me the good qualities of it.
...But I couldn't see.
I took the cd home and listened to it until I could finally believe.
I wanted to believe that the gift that God has given me was beautiful. I wanted to see the product of the intimate journey known as music that I have been on through out my life. I began to see my voice as fragile, vulnerable, tangible, and real.
...yet beautiful.
I feel that as women in this society, we feel this constant pressure to reach what society deems to be pretty or beautiful. It is like I am try to acheive this ambiguous goal that is meaningless in the eyes of Christ.
I have been praying that God would remind me just as my friend reminded me about my voice the areas in which I am beautiful.
Because I am ashamed to admit that I have lost sight.
That I would see my beauty in Him and not in others nor what society claims beauty to be. That it does not matter how broken I am right now. Because brokenness is a story that is real and beautiful. And all the more is Christ and how He is healing our wounds in our lives. And for women that struggle with this too, it is my prayers that he reveals this to you as well.
That you would be in a relationship with Christ in which you realize how much He loves to pursue you. That the King of creation in enthralled by your beauty. He is captivated by you.
And you are His beloved.
Dear Sisters...
In Christ,
You are Beautiful.
During one night of worship, I decided to casually move away when a man sat at the pew next to me. A couple songs into the service, I finally realized that it was the worship leader of the service that had sat next to me. What was he doing not leading worship? I didn't want him to think I didn't like his voice, so I moved closer to him.
I had suddenly become self-conscious of my voice. Was it too distracting? Was it on the right key? After a while of these questions, I finally became content with someone being able to hear my voice. My voice wasnt for him after all...it was for God.
As the worship service ended, that same man came up to me and put his hand on my shoulder. He then proceeded to tell me that I had a beautiful voice. I had thanked him, but immediately shifted the focus off of me and onto him.
Recently, I was able to write and record a song with some friends for fun. One of my best friends that has great recording skills encouraged me to listen to it with him. I had dreaded the thought of listening to my own voice, but he kept reassuring me.
I am pretty certain that I winced the entire time that I first listened to it. It was an altogether strange experience for me. Afterwards, he asked me if I realized how unique and interesting my voice was and also told me the good qualities of it.
...But I couldn't see.
I took the cd home and listened to it until I could finally believe.
I wanted to believe that the gift that God has given me was beautiful. I wanted to see the product of the intimate journey known as music that I have been on through out my life. I began to see my voice as fragile, vulnerable, tangible, and real.
...yet beautiful.
I feel that as women in this society, we feel this constant pressure to reach what society deems to be pretty or beautiful. It is like I am try to acheive this ambiguous goal that is meaningless in the eyes of Christ.
I have been praying that God would remind me just as my friend reminded me about my voice the areas in which I am beautiful.
Because I am ashamed to admit that I have lost sight.
That I would see my beauty in Him and not in others nor what society claims beauty to be. That it does not matter how broken I am right now. Because brokenness is a story that is real and beautiful. And all the more is Christ and how He is healing our wounds in our lives. And for women that struggle with this too, it is my prayers that he reveals this to you as well.
That you would be in a relationship with Christ in which you realize how much He loves to pursue you. That the King of creation in enthralled by your beauty. He is captivated by you.
And you are His beloved.
Dear Sisters...
In Christ,
You are Beautiful.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Jesus Wept
Life is a gift.
I am so thankful that God has carried me through the many mountains and valleys. I can celebrate and rejoice with Him when I reach the breathtaking view of the mountain.
...and I can have Him wrap His arms around me when I struggle through the valleys.
This is my God.
My God that knows my innermost thoughts and gave me every breath of life.
I am not worthy.
During a worship night a few months ago, I was hit with the reality of just how much He loves me.
And I wept.
Today I said goodbye to one of my dearest friends/former roommate. In the process, I asked her if there was anything she wanted to say to me before I left. She said, "I love you" and gave me a hug.
It may sound simplistic, but I told her that those were the most perfect words that anyone could say to me right now. I know this because I cried after she left. Not just because I was sad, but because I could truly feel how much my friend loved me.
Love. Jesus wept out of love even though he knew that Lazarus would rise. Jesus loved Lazurus this much.
Jesus loves me this much. I know this because the Son of God chose to do God's Will and sacrifice His life for me.
I wasted so much time searching for the love of man thinking that it would fulfill me. I searched everywhere but the One that holds and protects my heart. That night I wept out of joy because although I was completely broken, I came to a greater understanding that...
Yes, Jesus loves me.
I am so thankful that God has carried me through the many mountains and valleys. I can celebrate and rejoice with Him when I reach the breathtaking view of the mountain.
...and I can have Him wrap His arms around me when I struggle through the valleys.
This is my God.
My God that knows my innermost thoughts and gave me every breath of life.
I am not worthy.
During a worship night a few months ago, I was hit with the reality of just how much He loves me.
And I wept.
Today I said goodbye to one of my dearest friends/former roommate. In the process, I asked her if there was anything she wanted to say to me before I left. She said, "I love you" and gave me a hug.
It may sound simplistic, but I told her that those were the most perfect words that anyone could say to me right now. I know this because I cried after she left. Not just because I was sad, but because I could truly feel how much my friend loved me.
Love. Jesus wept out of love even though he knew that Lazarus would rise. Jesus loved Lazurus this much.
Jesus loves me this much. I know this because the Son of God chose to do God's Will and sacrifice His life for me.
I wasted so much time searching for the love of man thinking that it would fulfill me. I searched everywhere but the One that holds and protects my heart. That night I wept out of joy because although I was completely broken, I came to a greater understanding that...
Yes, Jesus loves me.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Freedom Writers
During bible study the other night, we watched a clip from the movie Freedom Writers. You know, the part where she firmly tells her student that he is not failing. I was only able to watch part of that movie once when I was substitute teaching, but I really resonated with how the teacher invested in the lives of her students.
As a substitute teacher, I can often walk into a room and pinpoint the students that will cause problems or test me. It is something that I learned from being a mental health counselor. As we were transitioning from one class to another, I spotted the next main challenge. Looking at the entire class, I realized that this class would be mostly high school boys and the circumstances for me subbing weren't the greatest. A boy straight out said, "I am going to start a fight."
Rather than use the obvious teacher response, I decided to use a different approach. I went up to the boy before class started and asked questions about himself. What he liked to do and how could he use those interests to succeed in life. What was his favorite class? Why was he upset right now?
I realized through this conversation that not only did he not get the attention that he needed in life, but he also did not have enough people that believed in him. His goals. His dreams. By taking the time to get to know him, I had avoided a classroom fight.
I think often times that people don't realize just how much impact we have on others when we simply believe in them. To say, you may not see this potential or dream inside yourself, but know that I do. To tell them that, like the teacher said in Freedom Writers, you are not failing.
To encourage them to make you proud because you truly care.
It is my hope that someday I will become a professor like the teacher in Freedom Writers. That I will inspire others to believe in the dreams that they have and act on them. Pursue them.
Someday :)
As a substitute teacher, I can often walk into a room and pinpoint the students that will cause problems or test me. It is something that I learned from being a mental health counselor. As we were transitioning from one class to another, I spotted the next main challenge. Looking at the entire class, I realized that this class would be mostly high school boys and the circumstances for me subbing weren't the greatest. A boy straight out said, "I am going to start a fight."
Rather than use the obvious teacher response, I decided to use a different approach. I went up to the boy before class started and asked questions about himself. What he liked to do and how could he use those interests to succeed in life. What was his favorite class? Why was he upset right now?
I realized through this conversation that not only did he not get the attention that he needed in life, but he also did not have enough people that believed in him. His goals. His dreams. By taking the time to get to know him, I had avoided a classroom fight.
I think often times that people don't realize just how much impact we have on others when we simply believe in them. To say, you may not see this potential or dream inside yourself, but know that I do. To tell them that, like the teacher said in Freedom Writers, you are not failing.
To encourage them to make you proud because you truly care.
It is my hope that someday I will become a professor like the teacher in Freedom Writers. That I will inspire others to believe in the dreams that they have and act on them. Pursue them.
Someday :)
Monday, August 2, 2010
Just Go
"He comes where He commands us to leave. If you stayed home when God told you to go because you were so concerned about your own people there, then you actually robbed them of teaching of Jesus Christ Himself"-Oswald Chambers
The great thing about my Best Friend is that He knows exactly what I need. He knows the exact words to tell me so that I can be at peace regardless of circumstances.
Just go.
But the people of my churches? What about my students? The people that I am ministering to here in the Rockford area? These are the questions that had been going through my mind about moving to Alaska before I read what Oswald Chambers had written.
My professor for my first intensive this semester told us don't think ourselves so significant that He can't do His work through other people. I was reminded of this as I think about this quote. God will move and do mighty things in Rockford.
Without me.
I merely one person, one part of the body of Christ. When he commands me to go elsewhere, I should not worry that part of His Will may not get done without me here. I am significant in the fact that I am made in the image of Christ, but I must also be reminded that I am nothing without Him.
And if He tells me to trust Him in a new journey, I must be obedient to His calling.
I've spent the summer outside of my field of work and while it has been difficult, it has served to reconfirm my passions. I want to serve and love people just as He does for His people. I want to challenge people to grow more in their faith. I hunger to grow more in my own.
I am excited for how this opportunity is going to deepen my relationship with Christ. I want to walk with Him. I want to know Him more.
So with that being said, I am going to take a leap of faith...and just go.
The great thing about my Best Friend is that He knows exactly what I need. He knows the exact words to tell me so that I can be at peace regardless of circumstances.
Just go.
But the people of my churches? What about my students? The people that I am ministering to here in the Rockford area? These are the questions that had been going through my mind about moving to Alaska before I read what Oswald Chambers had written.
My professor for my first intensive this semester told us don't think ourselves so significant that He can't do His work through other people. I was reminded of this as I think about this quote. God will move and do mighty things in Rockford.
Without me.
I merely one person, one part of the body of Christ. When he commands me to go elsewhere, I should not worry that part of His Will may not get done without me here. I am significant in the fact that I am made in the image of Christ, but I must also be reminded that I am nothing without Him.
And if He tells me to trust Him in a new journey, I must be obedient to His calling.
I've spent the summer outside of my field of work and while it has been difficult, it has served to reconfirm my passions. I want to serve and love people just as He does for His people. I want to challenge people to grow more in their faith. I hunger to grow more in my own.
I am excited for how this opportunity is going to deepen my relationship with Christ. I want to walk with Him. I want to know Him more.
So with that being said, I am going to take a leap of faith...and just go.
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