People have often told me that they feel like they have known me for year when in reality, we had just met an hour prior to that statement. I guess I have played the stranger role enough times that fulfilling the journey of a stranger to the destination of friendship is now second nature to me.
I will never forget what my former roommate in my host home during my time in Mexico City told me. It is forever engrained in my mind and motivates me to take this journey as often as I possibly can. She said that one should learn to appreciate the process of getting to know people because through each human made in the image of God, you can see different traits of God in them.
It is as though you are putting together the pieces of a puzzle with each person you get to know. Will we ever be able to fully see Him? Not until we reach heaven. He is to complicated and beyond our wildest dreams to fully grasp and understand in this lifetime.
I frequently find myself in situations where I am the 'new person.'
The concept of novelty will always have its pros and cons.
Novelty.
It is like taking a cd and listening to it for the first time. But listening to it just once does not give you a chance to get to know its character on a deeper level (unless the album is blantantly lacking in character and originality). Each play should allow us to discover something new about the album that we had not seen before.
We can become starstruck by the concept of novelty. Afterall, who does not like something new that catches our eye? It consumes our attention and sparks our curiosity. But if we aren't careful, we will constantly be searching for something new rather than building depth in potential friendships and relationships.
And what is new will always only last for a season before it becomes familiar.
As one that has constantly moved in her youth, I believe that one of the worst feelings is to finally recognize that your sense of novelty has worn off and not passed the test of true friendship. It is the point when you see that one in which you trusted move on to the next thing that has caught their eyes.
And you were old news.
I always try to avoid this outcome. I think this is what tends to partially motivate my passion for learning. If I learn more, I know more; thus, I have more to contribute in the friendship.
But the true gift is the one that passes through the road of novelty through to a genuine appreciation and depth in the friendship.
This is what makes the process of getting to know people worthwhile.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
My apologies to my maybe four readers for my lack of blogging :) Tomorrow should be a legit blog after a week of almost crazy fulltime subbing and Masters.
Until then, you should check out a free download of this entire album just released today by the superb band Scattered trees.
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fscatteredtrees.bandcamp.com%2F&h=5d19f
Until then, you should check out a free download of this entire album just released today by the superb band Scattered trees.
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fscatteredtrees.bandcamp.com%2F&h=5d19f
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Cabin Fever
I will greet summer with open arms.
As a former cabin counselor, I would say that I try to master the art of having fun. Besides asking my campers what they wanted to know about God, I always asked them if they were having fun. I truly believe you have to be slightly random, creative, and quirky (along with a hardcore passion for God) in order to be a cabin counselor.
Who else stands on the benches of picnic tables and does chants or raps in unison during meal times?
Lately I have been feeling restless. Perhaps tied down by the constraints of the demands of education. I have a little less than a month to go until I can fully embrace freedom.
I yearn for forward motion.
Crazy random adventures.
Memories.
Visiting Camp.
Nature.
Outdoor worship.
Smores.
Parks.
Beaches.
And
Laughter.
As a former cabin counselor, I would say that I try to master the art of having fun. Besides asking my campers what they wanted to know about God, I always asked them if they were having fun. I truly believe you have to be slightly random, creative, and quirky (along with a hardcore passion for God) in order to be a cabin counselor.
Who else stands on the benches of picnic tables and does chants or raps in unison during meal times?
Lately I have been feeling restless. Perhaps tied down by the constraints of the demands of education. I have a little less than a month to go until I can fully embrace freedom.
I yearn for forward motion.
Crazy random adventures.
Memories.
Visiting Camp.
Nature.
Outdoor worship.
Smores.
Parks.
Beaches.
And
Laughter.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Healing Wounds: Part Two
He said that if he could go back and have God take the terminal cancer away, he wouldn't because he would rather keep the lessons that the cancer taught him than live the rest of his life with a bitter heart.
This is what my pastor said of a man that had recently passed away.
Healing is a beautiful thing.
We long for restoration of the heart.
For reconnection of the joy that has been lost.
It really is a crossroad:
To choose either the road to healing
Or to harden our hearts in the midst of pain.
At this crossroad, it seems easier to choose to harden our hearts.
We percieve it to be the safer path.
Bitterness and Resentment serve to slowly eat away at the soul.
To build up walls.
Whether it be in the midst of avoidance or consumption,
They are a broken record that constantly remind us of the broken condition of our heart.
That
Something
Is
Wrong.
Until today, I had always viewed bitterness and resentment as something negative to be harbored.
I still do.
But.
I do not think that these two things can be an end in itself.
It can be.
But.
If we choose to see these two things as warning signs rather than comforts in times of brokenness, they can push us to the understanding that...
We need His healing.
It is so difficult
To give up bitterness and resentment.
To admit that we are weak.
To let Him inside the cracks of our hearts that are so heavily guarded by these shields.
But when we do...
Healing is a painful, yet beautiful thing.
"I hear you say 'My love is over, its underneath, its inside, its in between the times you doubt me, when you can't feel, the times when you've questioned 'is this for real?' The times you've broken, the times that you mend, the times you hate me and the times that you bend...these times you're healing and when your heart breaks...I'll never forsake you, my love never ends'"
--Tenth Avenue North
This is what my pastor said of a man that had recently passed away.
Healing is a beautiful thing.
We long for restoration of the heart.
For reconnection of the joy that has been lost.
It really is a crossroad:
To choose either the road to healing
Or to harden our hearts in the midst of pain.
At this crossroad, it seems easier to choose to harden our hearts.
We percieve it to be the safer path.
Bitterness and Resentment serve to slowly eat away at the soul.
To build up walls.
Whether it be in the midst of avoidance or consumption,
They are a broken record that constantly remind us of the broken condition of our heart.
That
Something
Is
Wrong.
Until today, I had always viewed bitterness and resentment as something negative to be harbored.
I still do.
But.
I do not think that these two things can be an end in itself.
It can be.
But.
If we choose to see these two things as warning signs rather than comforts in times of brokenness, they can push us to the understanding that...
We need His healing.
It is so difficult
To give up bitterness and resentment.
To admit that we are weak.
To let Him inside the cracks of our hearts that are so heavily guarded by these shields.
But when we do...
Healing is a painful, yet beautiful thing.
"I hear you say 'My love is over, its underneath, its inside, its in between the times you doubt me, when you can't feel, the times when you've questioned 'is this for real?' The times you've broken, the times that you mend, the times you hate me and the times that you bend...these times you're healing and when your heart breaks...I'll never forsake you, my love never ends'"
--Tenth Avenue North
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Rest for the Weary
I probably won't have time to write tomorrow, so I figured that I would write now.
Constantly juggling different portions of my life, it has come to the point that my life should be considered a balancing act.
I am not discouraged, but I would consider myself to be very weak right now. I have no room to be discouraged when I am finally excelling in both my education and occupation. While this winter was rough transitioning from counselor to teaching and establishing my reputation at my former high school, I have now officially climbed to the top of the subbing list. Thus, it is pretty much guaranteed that I work every day of the week.
It was definately due to God's grace and Him teaching me through the painful experiences that he had me undergo in my former job as a counselor. His wisdom is abundant.
I'm the type of person that likes to push myself beyond my limits. I believe that there is a good lesson of reliance on God when you are put into situations where you must persevere.
Perhaps I have pushed myself too far beyond my limits.
I forget the importance of rest and rejuvenation.
I forget that he can teach us so much we are still.
Even When we recognize the true purpose of sabbath.
Even in His creation, he set aside time to rest.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest"
--Matthew 11:28
Constantly juggling different portions of my life, it has come to the point that my life should be considered a balancing act.
I am not discouraged, but I would consider myself to be very weak right now. I have no room to be discouraged when I am finally excelling in both my education and occupation. While this winter was rough transitioning from counselor to teaching and establishing my reputation at my former high school, I have now officially climbed to the top of the subbing list. Thus, it is pretty much guaranteed that I work every day of the week.
It was definately due to God's grace and Him teaching me through the painful experiences that he had me undergo in my former job as a counselor. His wisdom is abundant.
I'm the type of person that likes to push myself beyond my limits. I believe that there is a good lesson of reliance on God when you are put into situations where you must persevere.
Perhaps I have pushed myself too far beyond my limits.
I forget the importance of rest and rejuvenation.
I forget that he can teach us so much we are still.
Even When we recognize the true purpose of sabbath.
Even in His creation, he set aside time to rest.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest"
--Matthew 11:28
Healing Wounds
"Feel my arm. Is it cold?" she told me with a grin on her face. Her arm was frigid. I had asked her why in the world it was so cold. She responded that running cold water on her arm was her coping skill in order to not cut when she was agitated. I metaphorically slapped myself in the face for not attending to her anxiety sooner. Even though I was not charting on her, I should have realized that something had happened that day to trigger those intense emotions.
It was a bittersweet moment because although we celebrated her victory over the temptation of self-injury, it was the first time that I had visually seen her scars.
I can sense pain more so than happiness in others. I guess the use of the word 'sense' should be clarified.
My empathy and intuiton work together to recognize the emotions of others. It is a double edged sword, really. It is a gift in the sense that it gives me insight into others, but a curse in that it is difficult to control.
And that I don't like feeling pain.
One of the greatest reliefs that I learned as a counselor is that I am not solely responsible for the healing of the heart. I believe that too often people place such a high expectation on us to solve everyone's problems (which to a certain degree they should place at least some expectation).
Believing solely in that high expectation would not only give one an extreme ego-trip, but also cause them to disregard a key component in counseling.
Self-denial.
The art of counseling is not about us, our problems, or our pride in recognition and success.
It is about vulnerability, guidance, and God's wisdom in the process of change. We counselors are the instruments, and He uses us as he pleases. I may be able to sense the scars of the heart in another person, but I cannot solve or change that person. I cannot pry open their past and force them to open up.
When I saw the scars on her arms, I immediately thought of the wounds of the heart. Our past scars that still impact us today.
There must be a will to change in the heart. There must be a longing and acceptance in regards to the process of healing.
And the only one that changes hearts is the Creator of hearts.
It was a bittersweet moment because although we celebrated her victory over the temptation of self-injury, it was the first time that I had visually seen her scars.
I can sense pain more so than happiness in others. I guess the use of the word 'sense' should be clarified.
My empathy and intuiton work together to recognize the emotions of others. It is a double edged sword, really. It is a gift in the sense that it gives me insight into others, but a curse in that it is difficult to control.
And that I don't like feeling pain.
One of the greatest reliefs that I learned as a counselor is that I am not solely responsible for the healing of the heart. I believe that too often people place such a high expectation on us to solve everyone's problems (which to a certain degree they should place at least some expectation).
Believing solely in that high expectation would not only give one an extreme ego-trip, but also cause them to disregard a key component in counseling.
Self-denial.
The art of counseling is not about us, our problems, or our pride in recognition and success.
It is about vulnerability, guidance, and God's wisdom in the process of change. We counselors are the instruments, and He uses us as he pleases. I may be able to sense the scars of the heart in another person, but I cannot solve or change that person. I cannot pry open their past and force them to open up.
When I saw the scars on her arms, I immediately thought of the wounds of the heart. Our past scars that still impact us today.
There must be a will to change in the heart. There must be a longing and acceptance in regards to the process of healing.
And the only one that changes hearts is the Creator of hearts.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
You Would Have Thought I Was Cool In High School
They might think that I am a student when I walk into the room, but they somehow learn to like and respect me as a substitute teacher eventually regardless if I look young.
When I was once a young child with very little vocabulary, I used to go up to random strangers and ask, "I carry you?" This should translate to adult-speak as, "Will you carry me?" I was quite the social child. So social that I do believe that it is the reason that I got lost in Disney World once.
When I look at my years 12 to 18, I find a bit of a disconnect.
And it wasn't just because of the cliche 'turmoil' years of adolescence (though I do not discount the hardships of adolescence).
This very same child that went up to random strangers had become afraid to approach people after moving so many times in her life. Needless to say, I was more of an outcast than part of the accepted group in High School.
Let's take risks.
Adventures
Relationships
Opportunities
It was as though a light switch had turned on when I reached college.
I had embraced my inner child (minus the asking people to carry me part) and knew that life was partially about not being afraid to take risks. I sought to bring my dreams and hopes into reality.
And now, in turn, I teach high schoolers to do the same.
I'll just let them think that I was cool in high school :)
When I was once a young child with very little vocabulary, I used to go up to random strangers and ask, "I carry you?" This should translate to adult-speak as, "Will you carry me?" I was quite the social child. So social that I do believe that it is the reason that I got lost in Disney World once.
When I look at my years 12 to 18, I find a bit of a disconnect.
And it wasn't just because of the cliche 'turmoil' years of adolescence (though I do not discount the hardships of adolescence).
This very same child that went up to random strangers had become afraid to approach people after moving so many times in her life. Needless to say, I was more of an outcast than part of the accepted group in High School.
Let's take risks.
Adventures
Relationships
Opportunities
It was as though a light switch had turned on when I reached college.
I had embraced my inner child (minus the asking people to carry me part) and knew that life was partially about not being afraid to take risks. I sought to bring my dreams and hopes into reality.
And now, in turn, I teach high schoolers to do the same.
I'll just let them think that I was cool in high school :)
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
To Write Love On Her Arms
My eyes grew weary as the clock was about to strike 5 a.m. I had no idea why I had signed up to work all three shifts as a Mental Health Counselor.
No one had communicated to me the reason as to why I had a one-on-one in which I had to watch one person nearly the entire night. This meant that I would virtually not be able to take my eyes off of them for the entire suite and the person's safety. It was then that I realized that if you stare at something long enough late at night, your eyes start to become blurry.
I did not understand why I was looking after her until the end of my shift when I found out that her former roommate had passed away. My heart suddenly felt compassion.
As a new Mental Health Counselor in training, I never knew her, but her story impacted the entire facility when I began work during that week.
People always joke about situations that are a matter or 'life or death.' When I found out that a girl from a different placement who attended our therapeutic day school had committed suicide that day, I knew my job was a matter of life or death.
And I was going to do everything in mine and His power to help these girls to choose life.
Prayer.
After working the adolescent girls from backgrounds of abuse, self-injury, addiction, suicide risk for six months, I came to realize that the greatest weapon of power is prayer.
While I am a firm believer of what TWLOHA stands for as far as showing love, the people working at the forefront of these issues need prayer more than anything so that they can have the strength and wisdom fulfill this call to love.
"The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding a life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change."
--To Write Love On Her Arms
No one had communicated to me the reason as to why I had a one-on-one in which I had to watch one person nearly the entire night. This meant that I would virtually not be able to take my eyes off of them for the entire suite and the person's safety. It was then that I realized that if you stare at something long enough late at night, your eyes start to become blurry.
I did not understand why I was looking after her until the end of my shift when I found out that her former roommate had passed away. My heart suddenly felt compassion.
As a new Mental Health Counselor in training, I never knew her, but her story impacted the entire facility when I began work during that week.
People always joke about situations that are a matter or 'life or death.' When I found out that a girl from a different placement who attended our therapeutic day school had committed suicide that day, I knew my job was a matter of life or death.
And I was going to do everything in mine and His power to help these girls to choose life.
Prayer.
After working the adolescent girls from backgrounds of abuse, self-injury, addiction, suicide risk for six months, I came to realize that the greatest weapon of power is prayer.
While I am a firm believer of what TWLOHA stands for as far as showing love, the people working at the forefront of these issues need prayer more than anything so that they can have the strength and wisdom fulfill this call to love.
"The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding a life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change."
--To Write Love On Her Arms
Monday, April 19, 2010
Not to Us
I once heard an individual pray that the people on the stage leading worship would become invisible that night so that all they could see was His glory.
I could not see the band because of default. Normally my eyes and focus is on the band when I go to a concert. God had not created me as a tall individual so I could hardly see Hillsong United as I was located center stage in the fourth row.
It didn't matter.
My soul ached for worship.
My heart longed for a revival.
This is where I belonged.
And this is where I will one day spend eternity.
I felt His love pour upon me.
Touching the deepest waters of my soul.
I heard His children with harmony and melody
Proclaim His Holy name.
I heard Him say,
"Only Me"
Just look upon Me.
Nothing else matters.
"No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness, no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now"
--Hillsong United
I could not see the band because of default. Normally my eyes and focus is on the band when I go to a concert. God had not created me as a tall individual so I could hardly see Hillsong United as I was located center stage in the fourth row.
It didn't matter.
My soul ached for worship.
My heart longed for a revival.
This is where I belonged.
And this is where I will one day spend eternity.
I felt His love pour upon me.
Touching the deepest waters of my soul.
I heard His children with harmony and melody
Proclaim His Holy name.
I heard Him say,
"Only Me"
Just look upon Me.
Nothing else matters.
"No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness, no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now"
--Hillsong United
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Alter Call
Have you ever encountered something so beautiful that it made tears unexpectedly flow down your face?
I heard a stream of sounds more beautiful than any song that my ears have ever tuned into yesterday.
I've always been on the fence in regards to altar calls. Sometimes I underestimate the fact that altar calls can be life changing. They should be the start of passionately humble, grace-filled journey with the one and only Creator. They are supposed to 'alter' your life and clothe you into a completely new person.
I became startled when I suddenly heard voices respond to the altar call. When a leader calls a body of people to respond to His will of being in a relationship with Him, I always expect those that come to believe at that moment to repeat the words silently in their hearts.
I suddenly found my eyes no longer dry when I heard people verbally accept His love without shame. As they repeated the leader's words, I understood that I was a part of something greater that night.
It was the moment of lives being altered. Each voice proclaiming their new found faith with confidence. Such a sweet sound is this. A relationship that was separated by sin now renewed by repentance and the belief in His all powerful grace.
And these beautiful voices that I heard last night showed me that...
This is something I could live for.
I heard a stream of sounds more beautiful than any song that my ears have ever tuned into yesterday.
I've always been on the fence in regards to altar calls. Sometimes I underestimate the fact that altar calls can be life changing. They should be the start of passionately humble, grace-filled journey with the one and only Creator. They are supposed to 'alter' your life and clothe you into a completely new person.
I became startled when I suddenly heard voices respond to the altar call. When a leader calls a body of people to respond to His will of being in a relationship with Him, I always expect those that come to believe at that moment to repeat the words silently in their hearts.
I suddenly found my eyes no longer dry when I heard people verbally accept His love without shame. As they repeated the leader's words, I understood that I was a part of something greater that night.
It was the moment of lives being altered. Each voice proclaiming their new found faith with confidence. Such a sweet sound is this. A relationship that was separated by sin now renewed by repentance and the belief in His all powerful grace.
And these beautiful voices that I heard last night showed me that...
This is something I could live for.
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