I would always sit in the balcony by myself during our tuesday night worship services at Judson simply because I did not want to distract anyone with my voice. I would always sing songs and harmonize in solitude with just God and myself. If someone sat near me, I would casually move away so that they could not hear my voice.
During one night of worship, I decided to casually move away when a man sat at the pew next to me. A couple songs into the service, I finally realized that it was the worship leader of the service that had sat next to me. What was he doing not leading worship? I didn't want him to think I didn't like his voice, so I moved closer to him.
I had suddenly become self-conscious of my voice. Was it too distracting? Was it on the right key? After a while of these questions, I finally became content with someone being able to hear my voice. My voice wasnt for him after all...it was for God.
As the worship service ended, that same man came up to me and put his hand on my shoulder. He then proceeded to tell me that I had a beautiful voice. I had thanked him, but immediately shifted the focus off of me and onto him.
Recently, I was able to write and record a song with some friends for fun. One of my best friends that has great recording skills encouraged me to listen to it with him. I had dreaded the thought of listening to my own voice, but he kept reassuring me.
I am pretty certain that I winced the entire time that I first listened to it. It was an altogether strange experience for me. Afterwards, he asked me if I realized how unique and interesting my voice was and also told me the good qualities of it.
...But I couldn't see.
I took the cd home and listened to it until I could finally believe.
I wanted to believe that the gift that God has given me was beautiful. I wanted to see the product of the intimate journey known as music that I have been on through out my life. I began to see my voice as fragile, vulnerable, tangible, and real.
...yet beautiful.
I feel that as women in this society, we feel this constant pressure to reach what society deems to be pretty or beautiful. It is like I am try to acheive this ambiguous goal that is meaningless in the eyes of Christ.
I have been praying that God would remind me just as my friend reminded me about my voice the areas in which I am beautiful.
Because I am ashamed to admit that I have lost sight.
That I would see my beauty in Him and not in others nor what society claims beauty to be. That it does not matter how broken I am right now. Because brokenness is a story that is real and beautiful. And all the more is Christ and how He is healing our wounds in our lives. And for women that struggle with this too, it is my prayers that he reveals this to you as well.
That you would be in a relationship with Christ in which you realize how much He loves to pursue you. That the King of creation in enthralled by your beauty. He is captivated by you.
And you are His beloved.
Dear Sisters...
In Christ,
You are Beautiful.
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